Self Portrait
It is said if we met our clone or twin without knowing we were one that we would not recognize ourselves. So how real is the image we see in the mirror, how twisted or distorted an image do we create of ourselves? Sometimes we see fat, when there is slim body like a tree in full bloom, or sometimes we see ugly, when natural beauty shines through like the sun bursting through the sky. How we present our outer shell to others is often a representation of our personality; sometimes using it to draw attention to ourselves and equally so we blend into the world so not to draw attention. Sometimes we have surgery to change how we look, so we become more ‘beautiful’, or hurt ourselves as we ‘hate’ how look like, not being content with how incredible our bodies truly are.
I know myself I had a distorted reality on how I looked. I thought for most of my life that Frankenstein or The Hunchback of Notre Dame, or their love child, were how I appeared to others. Whenever a photograph was taken of me, I hated it with a passion. They were ridiculed by those I should trust the most, as all too often several shots were taken with each one being wrong, most often my eyes being shut, which would lead to laughter that I was a freak. What I was wearing was not an expression of me but someone’s idea of me, as I tried to express myself these same people would not like it as not how their visual of me should be. I grew to loathe my external shell, so much so I was not able to look in the mirror as I cleaned my teeth or brushes my hair.
As I photographed the world around me more and more, admiring the natural beauty of the world, I decided to turn the camera on myself. Gradually finding I looked not how I thought I did, not the freakish beast I thought. She was quite different, not a supermodel, but that was ok as slowly I could handle what I did see. I grew to accept compliments from my closest friends, I was finally accepting at the age of thirty four I was not the ogre that had lived in my head. This last week I did something I never thought possible – I entered a pictured of me smiling to an online art exhibition. The photograph was to show my smile with the theme “Hello.How you doing?” I cried as I realized how far I had come and grown, to accept and love myself, letting the ogre go forever.
An interview: Why I write and my inspirations
Why do you write?
- Writing and reading are privileges that many that can take for granted. There are many in this world that cannot or find difficulty in doing so. Some cannot due to their gender or other priorities such as being able to eat or drink come first. I believe that education for all should be a basic human right.
- Writing is equally like free speech. Being able to express my thoughts aloud, give a voice to the voiceless and send them hope. For yet again many do not have this in the world. For if they do, the fear of what will happen to them is so great, many do not. I also see it as a privilege to do be able to do so, as much as it is a human right to have free speech.
What inspires what you write?
- I was always told to write what I know, so some of my writing is prompted from my own experiences in life, the good and the bad.
- To give others hope that someone else survived or that those feelings were felt by another, to know they are not alone or a freak of nature for feeling that way, and most of all not to give up, as someone cares (even if have never met them or ever will).
- It can equally be a photograph from a child in dire poverty to a forest in autumn, or a memorable quote, even a throwaway line in conversation. The thoughts they provoke I try to let them become something new and unique but equally true to their original inspiration and show why they inspired me and matter.
- Humanity can be deeply cruel in the way it treats it’s fellow humans, the animals and the greater world around us. I cannot stand cruelty or abuse, so try to give those that have no voice or is muted a voice. So if my writing may make just one person stop and think from reading it, it’s all good.
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